I keep having horrific and disgusting thoughts.
|I keep having horrific and disgusting thoughts. I hate it so much and I’m too scared to confide into anyone about these feelings because I’m worried that they’ll see me as a monster. I force myself to stay happy for my friends as I don’t want to be burden if I explain my issues to them and if I even dare to show genuine negativity they shy away from me because they are probably scared of me. When I am angry I lash out and get aggressive and scream and cry and it must scare them a lot which I hate as I love my friends. I don’t want to think about the disgusting thoughts because it’s always something to do with me sexualising myself, imagine hurting myself, imagining things like incest and having adults raping me. I hate that I’m able to meet a person and my brain already thinks about having sex with them. A lot of the time I’m not even attracted to the gender as well!! It’s terrifying and it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. I haven’t been through any sexual abuse so I don’t understand why, but these thoughts happen multiple times every day and they won’t go away. Sometimes I sit down and my mind drifts off to these disgusting scenarios and afterwards I feel like I need to punish myself but I don’t know how. I am religious, so I can’t tell my family as they would hate me because it’s against religion to think about stuff like this. I don’t know how to stop the thoughts from coming in and I don’t know how to stop showing my anger|
Hi there and welcome to ask Alex.
It seems like there’s a lot going on for you at the moment and we understand that reaching out can be a difficult thing to do, so thanks for making contact.
From what you are saying, it sounds like you feel that you’re having disgusting and horrific thoughts, and haven’t spoken to anyone, but feel that you need to punish yourself for this. We are very sorry to hear about everything you are going through, it must be incredibly scary, lonely, and difficult.
You mention that your thoughts have a sexual nature such as sexualising yourself and being raped. Do you know that it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have an interest and be curious about sex and the changes that happen during puberty? Studies by human sexuality researchers indicate that these kinds of thoughts or fantasies can occur out of guilt avoidance – when we come from a background that perhaps sees sex as taboo, engaging in thoughts about rape helps us experience the sexual exploration without carrying the guilt of engaging in an act that others may look upon as “dirty”.
In real life, when having an intimate relationship with someone, it’s really important that both people consent and feel safe with one another. It’s important to remember that no one has the right to touch you without your permission. When consent is obtained this can result in healthy, safe, respectful and enjoyable sexual experiences for all involved. You can learn more about consent here: https://www.childline.ie/consent/
You say that when you are angry, you can lash out, get aggressive and scream and cry which must be really difficult to try and manage. Anger is a very common emotion to feel and there are many different reasons why someone might get angry. There are some things we can do to help try manage our anger such as deep breathing, mindfulness and grounding exercises. For more information, you could read https://www.childline.ie/safe-ways-to-vent-your-frustration-at-the-world/
We feel that it’s important to talk about our feelings and what’s going on for us. Sharing worries and concerns can be helpful for our wellbeing. Sometimes speaking with a trusted adult, such as a relative, teacher or youth worker who can listen and support us can be really helpful. You could also contact us here at Childline. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can contact us by calling 1800 66 66 66 or via online chat at www.childline.ie. We’re here to listen to whatever is going on for you.
Remember you are not alone and Childline are always on hand to listen; no problem is too big or too small.