Alex's Answer

Hi there, 

Thank you for sending us your question and feeling comfortable enough to express what’s going on for you. It sounds like you have been having a difficult time as each time you have sex, you cry afterwards.  

Engaging in sexual acts is a big step that a young person can take when coming into adulthood and of course, there are many emotions attached to this very intimate part of human nature. You may be relieved to hear that crying after sex isn’t actually that odd! In fact, between 20 and 40% of men and women surveyed reported feeling that way. Often, in response to an intense emotion we cry, and sex can be an intense feeling. Intimacy with someone else can create strong emotions too. It might be helpful to explore how you feel when crying after sex – are these tears of joy and closeness with your sexual partner or anger or sadness? 

It is always important to be aware of your rights and the legalities around sex for young people, as it may be something not everyone knows. The legal age of consent in Ireland is 17, this means that even if you feel you “want to” engage in sexual acts with someone, legally you cannot consent to this until the age of 17 or over. This is important to know, as everyone should feel comfortable, safe and respected when engaging in any form of sexual act. You can learn more about this by visiting www.sexualwellbeing.ie. 

You mention “even if I want to”, which implies that there have been times you engaged in sex when you didn’t want to do so. If this is correct, it’s important that you feel supported in dealing with this and know that no one has the right to pressure you into any sexual activity, no matter who they are. You have the right to feel safe at all times. If this has happened to you, we’d be concerned for your wellbeing. If you’re feeling unsure about consent and your own experiences, this website may give you some clarity around this: https://www.consenthub.ie/consent/.  

Just because we are legally of age to have sex, doesn’t mean we feel physically and/or emotionally ready. If consent and safety is not the issue causing you to feel upset after sex, could it possibly be that you simply don’t feel emotionally ready? In society today, there can be enormous pressure on young people to be mature and to grow up very quickly; this may cause people to feel either directly or indirectly pressured into engaging in an activity that makes them seem ‘older’ or more mature. Taking things at your own pace and going with your instinct is also a hugely important thing to consider when engaging in any new stage of maturing. 

Talking things through with someone you trust may also help you to understand why you cry after sex. Maybe chatting with a friend, family member or trusted adult could help you to decide what feels best for you going forward. There are services out there that can support you with your mental health if you feel this is something you might need. You have the right to seek help for your mental health by contacting your GP, or you can visit www.yourmentalhealth.ie. The Gardaí and https://www.drcc.ie/services/helpline/could also help if you feel that any sexual act has taken place without your consent or if you are under the age of consent. Childline also have listening services that are available 24 hours a day, all year round if you need to talk. All our services are free, confidential and non-judgmental. You can webchat with us on www.childline.ie, send a text to 50101 or call us on 1800 66 66 66. 

We hope this answer is helpful to you and that you feel better supported. 

Take care, 

Alex.