Pat's Answer
My life is such a **** hole
Your Question
When I was 1-2 years old my mom and dad got divorced and I was abused by my mom along with my siblings. We were put in intensive therapy our whole lives and me and my brother were diagnosed with P.A.N.D.A.S. disorder, anxiety, and I was diagnosed with depression, and PTSD. I have had the most therapy of all of us. My dad got remarried and I now have a step sister and dog. My stepmom ignores me and doesn’t give a **** about me. This has caused me and my dad to drift apart. Almost every day I have a panick attack and then cry for hours and want to kill myself. I am scared to kill myself but have attempted to 3 times. I was taken to a hospital 3 times and they only took me once. I just wanna ****ing die Already. I’ve given up on life. My life is such a **** hole but I feel guilty and unworthy of complaining because I feel people have been through worse and compared to them I am nothing. Right now my dad is looking for residentialS I can go to but because of corona virus ive been denied. Is my life worth living anymore? If so why. Please help! I just found this website after searching “I wanna kill myself” If you are a professional I’d like your advice, if not I just poured my heart out.
Answer
Hi there,
Thanks for getting in touch with us and being so honest about everything that is going on for you and it seems that there is a lot going on for you just now. You are currently feeling suicidal and have given up on your life. You are also experiencing panic attacks. In the past you have had diagnoses of Anxiety Disorder, P.A.N.D.A.S. Syndrome, PTSD and Depression. It sounds like family life has been difficult for you too. You and your Dad have drifted apart, and he is looking for a residential placement for you to go to.
It is totally understandable that you are struggling, given all you have been through, since you were young. You say you feel you are nothing and have given up, that is very natural while experiencing suicidal ideation. Also, guilt and feelings of unworthiness have come up for you, from comparing your issues to people who may have it worse off. It is important you know that these feelings are completely understandable given your diagnoses. It seems you have gotten through so much and that is so brave of you to keep going.
You have been wondering whether your life is worth living. We want to let you know we always believe your life is important and worthwhile. As a young person, you never have to go through mental health struggles alone. It is up to the adults at home to love and support you. When this is not the case at home, you have the right to get help in relation to your home-life. You can reach out to an adult in school like a teacher, guidance counsellor or principal. Or maybe there is someone to listen to you in your family who does not live with you. You mentioned possibly moving to residential care. It is important you can express your feelings around this with someone you trust instead of bottling it in. If you cannot think of an adult in your life that you want to talk to, Childline is always here to listen to what you have to say.
It is very concerning to hear you have attempted suicide three times and that you are currently suicidal. You have the right to live and feel safe. You mentioned having attended therapy before, is that something that is still ongoing for you? It is never too late to get the right kind of help, help that you deserve. If you want to see what your options may be for treatment and help, you can talk to your doctor. www.pieta.ie are an organisation who help young people dealing with suicidal ideation. www.yourmental health.ie and www.jigsaw.ie are other websites where you may be able to find some support.
We hope that this has been of some help to you. Anytime you want someone to talk to, the Childline Team are here, day and night. Childline never closes. You can freephone us at 1800 66 66 66, or text at 50101 or web chat through www.childline.ie. Childline is your space to talk about whatever you decide. You can talk to us about your family life, your suicidal ideation, or you may decide to talk about something else at first. Childline does not judge you on your thoughts, feelings, or actions. We can help you look at options that may be available to you.
Remember, you do not have to be alone at this difficult time. Childline is here for you.
Mind yourself, we hope to hear from you soon.
Pat