Alex's Answer

Hi there and thank you for contacting Ask Alex! 

You explained to us that you are in love with a boy and that you have been for a long time, even if you haven’t seen each other in 5 years. You said you miss him a lot and that it hurts to think that you won’t be together, that you can’t let your friends or family know about him and that it would be painful if you ended up with someone else. 

It seems as though this boy left a huge impression on you years ago and he is very present in your mind even though you haven’t seen him in a long time. Our minds have a way of keeping things untouched and preciously still, without change – preserved. Sadly, the reality is nothing is immune to time and change, no matter how dearly we hold onto memories inside our hearts.  

Young love carries a lot of emotion with it. It can be an incredibly wonderful and intense emotion. It can also be extremely confusing for young people because they are experiencing feelings of romantic love and attraction for the first time. They are just starting to figure it all out. Since these are feelings that many mature adults even struggle with, you can imagine how much more of a struggle it can be for teenagers! The first feelings that preteens and teens usually experience are feelings of infatuation or a crush. The feelings are more intense than the young person is used to and are easily mistaken for love. 

Infatuation is a strong feeling of attraction, fascination, and fixation toward someone, often without actually knowing them that well. Although it often feels very intense, infatuation tends to be based more on physical attraction and an imagined fantasy than on who this person is and if they are a good romantic match.  

You might be wondering how you can tell them apart, love and infatuation. Whereas infatuation tends to happen very quickly and involves a strong attraction, love is a much deeper experience of knowing someone fully, feeling bonded and close to them, and caring about them in a way that’s both enduring and not centred around how they make you feel. 

Love is more than just a feeling. It requires some knowledge about the person and still being able to love even when knowing that their loved one is flawed and imperfect. Loving someone means knowing them. Love is a form of intimacy, and intimacy requires being known and seen. 

On the other hand, the following are signs of infatuation: 

• You’re constantly thinking about this person. 
• You haven’t had that many real interactions or deep conversations with each other yet, yet you already have strong feelings for them. 
• You feel like this person is basically perfect, or the “ideal” partner. 
• You feel like this person is a “perfect match” for you. 
• You feel vaguely “obsessed” with this person. 
• You’re very physically attracted to this person, and it can sometimes distract you from exploring other facets of this person. 
• You don’t know the person that well on an actual personal level. 
• Most of what you know about the person is surface level, based on appearance, or based on their behaviour in a group setting. 
• Most of what you know about this person is the same stuff that any acquaintance might know about them. 
• Most of what you know about the person is from hearsay or social media, not from actual conversations or experiences you’ve had with each other. 
• You fantasize about this person, despite not knowing them on a personal level yet. 
• You feel a little disappointed when the person doesn’t meet your expectations, or you shrug it off as just a fluke. 
• You ignore early signs of incompatibility that go against your fantasy. 
• You’re very concerned about impressing this person and having them see you in a positive light. 
• You are overjoyed by the idea of “having” this person or being “chosen” by them. 
• You’re forming strong feelings for this person very quickly—almost as if you knew instantly. 
• Everything is moving super quickly, and you’re hitting (or wanting to hit) relationship milestones as fast as possible. 

Infatuation is not necessarily a bad thing; it just requires getting to know someone more intimately for it to grow into love. But infatuation can be unhealthy in extremes. When you are infatuated, it probably means that you really like their appearance and feel sexually/physically attracted to them intensely. It is important to have sexual/physical attraction toward someone to develop a romantic relationship, but if infatuation becomes an obsession with unrealistic expectations and demanding perfection, it can become unhealthy. 

Perhaps this knowledge of the difference between love and infatuation can help you find a partner who is in your life at present, if that’s what you’d like to do. Someone you can get to know on a deep level who you can talk to your friends and family about if you need to at any stage. 

It could be a good idea to share how you are feeling with the people in your life, such as your parents or other adults you trust, as they will be able to support you in this journey of understanding love and relationships. If you need to talk to someone else, know that Childline is here to listen whenever you need to chat. Our Childline Listening team can be contacted 24/7, 365 days a year. If you’d like a live chat, you can visit the website www.childline.ie, or perhaps you’d prefer to text us on 50101 or give us a call on 1800 666 666. 

We hope this helped! 

Thanks for reaching out, take care and stay in touch, 

Alex