I have horrible thoughts. They disgust me.
I am scared when as i write this. I have horrible thoughts. They disgust me. I wish I was brain dead. And trust me when I say this when you know my thoughts u would wish I was dead too. i have thought of getting rape although i have never been sa/ed before, of thinking if i can rape someone, if me and my brother can have sex, about cutting my fingers, about a lot others. they disgust me. i know i will never do any of them and i am so thankful that at least i can control my actions now as i understand. but the thoughts don’t stop. they exist. i have harmed myself before. i never told anyone before, but now i feel like showing it to people. that makes me feel disgusted at myself as i am probably an attention seeker. but that is how my mind works. i hate it. but the thing is i am also very supportive to others. i will kill a rapist, or be disgusted when others do the things i think. i don’t know how it works. i also fall in love with everyone. like anyone who shows me little affection. i can just imagine myself having sex with anyone, even a new person i know for 1 minute. i hate that. i can also find good things in people who definitely have red flags. i find nice things in everyone. i like multiple people at the same time. it scares me. what if a cheat when i finally get into a relationship? that’s why i don’t do them. even if i like someone and they like me, i won’t date. what do i do? i often think of killing myself cause i hate myself. tell me please
Let’s begin by saying thank you for making use of the Ask Alex service. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you at the moment. From what you are saying, we gather that you have various thoughts that make you feel disgusted about yourself and as a result of these frightening thoughts, you are having feelings around killing yourself. We are very sorry to hear about everything you are going through, it must be incredibly scary, lonely and difficult.
Have you ever heard of intrusive thoughts? Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that can pop into our heads without warning, at any time. Intrusive thoughts are generally repetitive and more often than not, and they can be strange, disturbing or even distressing. The nature of these thoughts and/or images can be sexual, violent or socially unacceptable or you could suddenly think about a mistake you made or embarrassing thing you did years ago.
It might be helpful to know that these types of thoughts happen to most of us at some time or another and having an intrusive thought once in a while is just a part of life. Generally, intrusive thoughts do not have any particular meaning and are not harmful as long as you remember that these are only thoughts, and you have no desire to act on them.
There are many ways that may help you reduce the frequency or intensity of unwanted thoughts. A good step toward treating intrusive thoughts is reminding yourself that they are just thoughts. Label them as such when they happen and recognize that thoughts are not the same as intent or behaviour. Don’t try to suppress the thought – the effort used to fight the thought makes it stick and fuels its return so allow it to come without judgement and without clinging to it. You might find the following guided meditation useful for this: Leaves on a Stream Meditation. Remind yourself that these thoughts are automatic and not something you decided to do and also, acknowledge the fact that they may return. Continue whatever you were doing before the intrusive thought cropped up while allowing the anxiety to be present.
If these unwanted thoughts are happening often, causing significant distress, or interfering with your day-to-day life, it’s a good idea to talk with a doctor about what is going on for you. The medical professional may suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)which involves learning ways of thinking that can help you become less sensitive to the intrusive thoughts. It may also include controlled exposure to the triggers for your intrusive thoughts so you can learn to react to them differently. Your medical professional may recommend going the route of medication.
Remember, these intrusive thoughts, although incredibly unpleasant at times, do not define you. You may find the following article helpful as it describes a young person’s experience of intrusive thoughts and how they learned to cope: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intrusive-thoughts-coping#Letting-go-of-the-shame-and-guilt
Perhaps you could try talking about what is going on for you with someone in your life that you trust, someone who cares for you and your wellbeing. Talking about our problems can be a huge relief in and of itself and furthermore, this trusted adult could help you get further support if needed. Writing to us about your thoughts was a great start and we believe here at Childline, that you have the right to be listened to and the right to access help.
What do you think about contacting Childline for a chat about this or anything else you’d like to talk about? You can get in touch with us via our chat service at www.childline.ie , or send us a text (50101) or you could even give us a call on 1800 66 66 66. The team at Childline are here to listen to you, and we won’t judge you or tell you what to do.
You’ll find some useful articles on our website around self-harm: https://www.childline.ie/self-harm/ and there are plenty of organisations in Ireland that can help you with your suicidal feelings: https://www.pieta.ie/ ; https://jigsaw.ie/ and https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/
We truly think you are incredibly brave in contacting us here at Ask Alex. Remember, you are not alone.
Take care of you,