I don't know why I think like this
I always daydream about getting hurt and I like it. I daydream alot stabbing someone by a sharp knife infront of many people I know but not killing them because everyone one will thing I am bad. Sometimes I don’t feel anything I got numb then I hurt myself, cut myself. I don’t know why I am doing this all. Sometimes I think I am very kind polite and in next minute I wanna be a killer and bad.
Hi there and welcome to Ask Alex,
You are telling us you think a lot about getting hurt, and hurting others, although you believe you are kind and polite. You are also explaining you use self-harm to deal with the experience of numbness.
First of all, thank you for trusting us with this information. We are sure this wasn’t easy to do.
It seems you are hurting a lot. On one hand, it looks like you are experiencing intrusive thoughts, and on the other hand, you are using cuts to get out of numb states. Let’s go by bits. We will start with the thoughts you are having.
Following the information from Centre for Anxiety Disorders, studies show that the vast majority of us occasionally have unwanted violent thoughts about injuring ourselves or others. Although we don’t like to acknowledge them, about 85 percent of people do experience some type of random harmful thoughts, but they are fleeting and don’t disturb our normal lives.
If the thoughts are recurring and happen often, and if they trigger certain behaviours to avoid hurting anyone, this could suggest Harm OCD. Harm OCD is a subset of classic obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). The condition is characterised by having aggressive, intrusive thoughts of doing violence to someone, as well as the responses the person uses to cope with these thoughts. OCD makes the individual feel that they can’t trust their own mind. Wherein someone without OCD could have a violent thought and recognise that it is simply a thought, a person with OCD who has the Harm OCD subset worries that just having the thought is somehow meaningful. As a result, they want full assurance that they won’t act on the thought.
Having these intrusive thoughts leads to engaging in compulsions and rituals to decrease the anxiety the person feels about the thought. Once they complete the ritual, they feel less anxious, but then the intrusive thought comes again, setting up endless cycles of doubt and fear.
Common reasons for the appearance of Harm OCD are the presence of OCD in the family history, comorbidity with other disorders such as depression, schizophrenia or eating disorders, and traumatic past events.
This links with the fact that you seem to be quite low in mood, enough to get numb. Numbness appears when the feelings of emotional pain are too big for us to handle. You are also self-harming, and while there are different reasons to do so, most of them are related to high distress.
It is a lot to be dealing with it by yourself. We would highly suggest that you talk to someone you trusted, an adult that could support you through this, and to find professional help. The first one to go to would be your GP, so they can refer you to the mental health services. Then, there are other services dedicated to support young people dealing with self-harm and deep sadness. Pieta House would be one of those. They have a free 24/7 helpline 1800 247 247; you can also text HELP to 51444.
Alternatively, you could contact the Childline team to talk about what you are experiencing. Childline is a listening service which is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year. You can talk about whatever you need and we will support you and guide you through what you want to chat about. We can be contacted either by phone 1800 666 666 or using Live Chat in our website www.childline.ie.
We hope this helps. Please, do not hesitate to contact us again if you need further support. There is someone waiting to chat with you
Take care of yourself, please reach out for support soon.