Hi there and welcome to Ask Alex,
You have told us you daydream about friendship often enough for it to interfere with your real friendships, as you feel they don’t meet the standards you dream about. You added that when you imagine yourself with your friends, you feel numb and tired, and that when you are around them, you feel nervous, and you think you shouldn’t feel like this but have no idea how not to feel that way.
Thanks for reaching out. It seems you are not having a pleasant time around friendships, and that can be very hard. You were saying you don’t know how to feel differently. It makes sense; we don’t choose how we feel, we just do. Sometimes the reasons why we feel in a certain way are not that obvious, so it can take longer to figure out what is going on.
As you know, we people never stop learning, changing, and evolving. What made you feel connected to someone yesterday could change in the blink of an eye. Interests in common are important, but they are not everything in a friendship. You can like exactly the same things and still feel you are not a good fit. We need a connection in the shape of respect, care, kindness, empathy. If you like the same things but don’t feel listened to, for example, those things in common will amount to nothing.
Understanding those changes in friendships or relationships in general doesn’t come easy. We go through a grief state when something doesn’t work in between us and who we thought were our friends.
The fact you are daydreaming about higher standards in friendships could mean you would like more out of those relationships, and they seem not able at the moment to give that to you. It is okay to look for what you would like to see in a friendship and move on from those whom you don’t feel connected to anymore or feel like you cannot open up to them no more. Communicating how you feel and how you would like that friendship to be is completely okay. In that way, you would be giving a chance to those friends who care about you and can do something about what you are looking for. Another interesting move could be taking those standards and applying them to yourself, being the friend you would like your friends to be. All changes we want to see in others start with us.
We hope this helps you to think a bit more about how you feel, what you need, and what will be your next move. Please, don’t hesitate to contact us again if you need further support!
Alternatively, remem 1800 666 666 or the Liveber you can always call or message Childline at any time, any day of the year, and the team will support you in whatever you need. You can either phone us on 1800 66 66 66
or use Live Chat
on our website www.childline.ie
Wishing you all the best,