Pat's Answer

Since 8 years old, I hated being a girl

Your Question

Since like i was 8 i hated being a girl , and never liked my name , always used gender natural names (like Sam, Ray..) And at the age of 12 i realised i must be Transgender. My mother is really , and i mean really, transhphobic. Now im 14 and i started to question my self again. I dont know if im non-binary or ftm. And this really makes me confused. Some day ago my mother started talking about how boyish i act and dress. It really hurts me because she clearly wont accept me. She even asked if i wanted to be a boy and stuff and ofcoruse i said no… because i know she will hate me and disown me. And i dont know what to do. I dont want to let my hair grow ( now i have really short hair for a girl , and its a boy hair style..) and i hate bressing girly. But i have tu pretend but i cry every night. What should i do with this situation?? I dont have friends who i can vent to. So im really hopeless.. 

Answer

Hello there, you are very welcome to Ask Pat. 

You have told us in your message that you believe you are transgender but because your mother is transphobic and she is not being supportive, you are starting to doubt yourself. You also said that this is making you to feel confused, that you feel like you have to lie and pretend because she won’t accept you as you are. You say you don’t know what to do, that this is making you cry every night because you don’t want to let your hair grow or to dress in a girly way. You finish by saying you have no friends to vent to and that you feel really hopeless. Your question is what should you do in this situation. 

First of all, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We know it is hard to share what we are going through at times when it is making us feel sad and hopeless, but we also know how helpful it is to do so in order to realise you are not alone and to release a bit of the weight on your shoulders. You are very brave! You have already taken the first step: reaching out for help and support.  

We are very sorry to read that you are feeling so sad and hopeless. You also sound quite scared of not being accepted by your mum. We are sorry too that your mum isn’t being supportive and that the things she says to you are making you feel hurt. Have you spoken to any other adult in the family or some other adult you trust about how this is making you feel? You have the right to be listened to and to be heard, you have the right to be yourself and be accepted just as you are. You have the right to be respected and treated fairly. Your mum has the responsibility to take care of you and to think of your best interests.  

From your message it seems you haven’t come out to your mum as transgender and that you are having doubts about how to define yourself. That is completely okay. You don’t need to come out to anyone if you don’t feel safe doing so and especially if you haven’t figured out your identity yet. Identity is something that we build and figure out little by little every day as we grow up and each experience is unique and valid.  

It can be hard sometimes, but you don’t have to do this alone. Childline is always here to listen to you, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and it is a free and confidential service. You can call us on 1800 66 66 66, text us on 50101 or webchat with us through our website www.childline.ie. Childline is here to listen to what’s going on for you at the moment and we would love to chat with you.   

There is an article on our website that could be helpful for you: https://www.childline.ie/gender-identity/. In it you will find direct access to TENI’s website, the Transgender Equality Network Ireland; it provides support for transgender and non-binary people of all ages. Besides this one, there are organisations dedicated to LGBTQ+ community that offer a range of services such as helplines, counselling services and group support:  

  • www.lgbt.ie has Monthly Peer Support Groups available, it could help finding others you can relate to, and a Transgender Family Support Line which could be useful eventually for your mum. 
  • www.belongto.org has a lot of resources for both young persons and parents that could be really helpful to broaden understanding and knowledge regarding gender identity as well as the different types of support out there for individuals and families who need it. 

We hope we have helped you. Remember, you can contact us whenever you need to for a chat. 

Kind regards, 

Pat 

 

 

 

 

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