Alex's Answer
My friend is controlling and aggressive and I don’t know how to deal with the situation
Your Question
Hello Alex, I have a friend at school who is part of the LGBTQ+ community who is VERY controlling and is emotionally blackmailing me for example if I don’t do exactly what she wants she cries says she’ll get depressed and kill herself, she waits for me outside of every one of my classes and doesn’t want me to have any other friends, in March I met her in a cafe and she got very aggressive towards me and scared me and started shouting at me and I was afraid of her, she is in some of my classes and sometimes if I’m waiting to talk to a teacher she interferes and she told my German teacher that she would help me with my homework even though she doesn’t know or do German, I told her beforehand that I wanted to talk to the teacher privately but she came into the class when I was talking to the teacher and said “don’t worry Mrs I’ll help her” and if I comfort her about her being rude to me she says I am being homophobic to her, I haven’t seen her all summer and I don’t want her as a friend or to be teamed up with her for any projects, I am straight and I am not homophobic but I feel trapped by her. How can I best deal with the situation. I don’t want to involve teachers, but I’ve been worried about this all summer. Please help me.
Answer
Hi there, welcome to Ask Alex.
We’re glad you were able to reach out to contact us and send us your question.
From what you’re saying it seems like your friendship is making you feel trapped and that you no longer want this friendship to continue. This must be a tough situation for you, and it’s understandable that you are feeling worried and unsure about the right way to handle the situation.
Friendships can and should be something that contributes positively to our lives, and having someone to confide in and share interests with is an important part of living a healthy and fulfilling life. However, you state your friend is very controlling and blackmails you emotionally by saying things like she will kill herself if you don’t do exactly what she says. She waits for you outside of every one of your classes and doesn’t want you to have any other friends. You also state that you are scared of this friend as she got aggressive with you in a café. You have the right to feel safe and it is not okay for your friend to make you feel scared. A friend should never be controlling or possessive of you or threaten to hurt or kill themselves if you leave. These kinds of behaviours would be a red flag in any friendship.
You always have the right to express yourself and how you’re feeling, especially if you no longer feel that a friendship or relationship is good for you and is becoming negative or toxic. Have you considered talking to this person about how you are feeling? Talking about the situation openly and honestly with your friend might be a good step to consider because it would give you both an opportunity to say what’s on your mind and maybe give you a chance to either resolve your issues or end the friendship in a civil way.
How would you feel talking to someone in your life about how to handle this situation? By talking to a trusted adult in your life, you might come up with a few different options and ideas about how to handle this situation. This trusted adult could be a parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin, sibling teacher or a youth worker.
You have been so brave reaching out to us, and we want to make you aware that you have the right to get support if you are struggling with this issue, and there are people and organisations out there that can help you. Our listening services here at Childline are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and we don’t judge you or tell you what to do; we’re here to listen and to support you. You can get in touch with us via webchat at www.childline.ie, by sending a text to 50501 or perhaps you’d prefer to call us on 1800 66 66 66. All our services are free and confidential so you can chat with us about anything that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. We also have a section on our website about friendships. It might be helpful for you to read through it; you can access it via this link: https://www.childline.ie/how-to-know-when-to-break-up-with-a-friend/.
Thank you for reaching out to us.
Take care,
Alex