Alex's Answer
I love everything about my boyfriend...
Your Question
I love everything about my boyfriend, and I love when he puts his arms around me or when we’re laying down together and holding hands, but I don’t really like the type of physical affection where his hands start going under my clothes and in between my legs. I just feel uncomfortable and self conscious, whereas I know he’s enjoying it because I can feel him getting hard. We’ve been going out a few months so I should be comfortable with this. What’s wrong w me?
Answer
Hi there and welcome to Ask Alex!
Thank you for reaching out, we know how difficult it can be for young people to put themselves out there and talk about their worries. You have taken a very important step forward by contacting us.
You have explained how you have a boyfriend who you like so much, but that you are not enjoying intimate touch. You also mention you should be comfortable with this because you’ve been together for a few months, and you ask what is wrong with you.
We are very sorry you are feeling this way. Let us start by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It is okay to not be ready. It’s OK to say no. No one should ever pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do or aren’t ready for.
Consent is not enough. Any sexually intimate activity should be wanted by both parties. We all have our own rhythm for everything, intimacy is no different. Your boyfriend seems ready, but that doesn’t mean you have to be because he is. It’s about more than consent. It’s about a clearly expressed desire. If you are not happy with intimate touch, you don’t have to go through it. You have the right to decide what to do with your body, and who you take this step forward with. It is your call and yours only.
Communication is key in this matter. Let your partner know how you feel about intimacy. Be confident and know what you want. This means thinking through why you want to wait before you’re in a sex situation. Tell them what you do want to do: kissing, touching, watching a movie together, etc. Be clear and direct. Look them in the eyes and use a serious tone of voice. You can also let them know that you really do like or love them, but you’re just not ready for sex or intimate touch.
Talking to a trusting adult would be a strong move. We don’t have to do everything on our own and, especially when we are worried, talking about it always reliefs the weight off your shoulders. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about this matter with the adults around you, you can always contact Childline. They will listen and support you whenever you need too. You can call them at 1800 666666 or use the live chat in their website www.childline.ie .
We hope this helps!
We are always here to help!
Take care,
Alex