I have nowhere else to turn to, I really hate myself, I hate living
Hi Alex, Hi Childline. So I’m 16 years old and I’ve lived a hard life and still do. I’ve nobody in my life I trust to talk to…For the past 3 years or so I’ve been self harming with a razor, I’ve attempted suicide twice, I’ve ran away from home multiple times(garda always return me home after they find me), I’m in the courts for the trouble I cause I went to oberstown for a month….So my home is my mother and father they hit me and my siblings, constantly shouting name calling bashing each other including we do this to each other too. We get the exact same food every single day and it’s horrible. They buy nothing else I’ve no toothbrush, toothpaste, shower is embarrassing as its once a week and shared with my sister. My mom does not buy me any tampons/pads so I steal them. She sends us to school with nothing and tells the school she can’t afford anything so they give everything books uniforms pencils etc.. it’s so embarrassing. I HATE my life, I’m depressed, suicidal, upset…I wish I could scream it out loud but unfortunately Alex this is my culture this is what I deserve. I met a man when i was 13 and I know its wrong but he loves me and cares about me but he is in his 30’s so it’s a secret and we have been having sex since I’m 13.. I no its wrong I read it before on this site but he is the only one who comes close to me touch me hug me no one else have ever even hugged me…I’m fed up Alex, I’m lost in this world, I’ve caused so much trouble and everyone(garda, probation officer, social worker, doctor) says I need to stop looking for attention. Sorry long post. Nowhere else to turn to tonight. The tears are not stopping tonight I really hate myself, I hate living, I wish I was never ever born. I’ve no friends, i trust nobody. Can’t talk to my boyfriend as its a relationship based on sex and drink only. So alone with everything.
Hi, welcome to Ask Alex.
Thank you for reaching out to us today. It sounds like you are going through an incredibly tough time. Firstly, you mention that you have nobody in your life that you trust to talk to and for the past 3 years or so, you have been self-harming with a razor and have attempted suicide twice.
We are concerned to know that you are self-harming, and that you attempted suicide twice and we would encourage anyone who has thoughts of self-harm and suicide to speak to a trusted adult. You’ve said you have nobody you trust, and we are sorry to hear that. Have you considered speaking with Childline? You could call on 1800 66 66 66, contact us by text on 50101 or through our webchat at https://www.childline.ie/. The Childline team is there to listen 24 hours a day, every day. Our services are free, confidential and non-judgemental.
Thoughts regarding self-harm and suicide can arise for lots of different reasons but the important thing is to get support around these thoughts and also, to remember that those feelings won’t last forever. All of us have a right to get help around feelings of self-harm, have a look at the following website for services (free and no referral needed) offered: https://www.pieta.ie/ and you are welcome to visit the Childline website for more information about self-harming behaviours: https://www.childline.ie/self-harm/ and https://www.childline.ie/how-to-help-someone-you-believe-might-be-self-harming/
Secondly, you mention that your parents hit you and your siblings, and you are not provided with essentials such as a toothbrush, toothpaste or tampons/pads. We are sorry to hear that this is happening to you and your siblings. You have the right to feel safe and happy in your home and no one has the right to hurt you in any way. You also have the right to have your hygiene needs met. We want you to know that you have the right to seek support from the Gardai or Tusla Child and Family services. Tusla can be contacted via this website: https://www.tusla.ie/. It may be frightening getting hold of Tusla or the Gardai, especially considering your previous interactions with them but their job is to make sure every young person in Ireland is safe and adequately provided for in terms of things such as housing and access to healthcare.
We would be very concerned that you hate your life, and feel depressed, suicidal and upset, and we are sorry you hear that you feel this is what you deserve. Everyone has a right to feel supported and you deserve to feel happy.
Finally, you mention having a secret relationship with a man in his 30’s which started when you were 13 and that you’ve been having sex since then. You also said that you can’t talk to you boyfriend as it’s a relationship based on sex and drink only and you feel alone with everything. It’s concerning for us to hear about this. In Ireland, you must be over the age of 17 to legally give sexual consent. We would be very concerned that your relationship is based on sex and drink. You should not be made feel alone when you are going through a tough time, and we would like you to know that an important part of a healthy relationship is respecting and supporting each other. Do you feel your boyfriend respects and supports you? On our website we have a section for RELATIONSHIPS which is under the INFO AND ADVICE section, and you may find some useful tips and information around healthy partnerships there: https://www.childline.ie/sexuality-and-relationships/.
We would like to tell you how brave you are for sharing what’s going on for you at the moment and again, we encourage you to reach out to us at Childline for a chat.
Be kind to yourself and take care,