Alex's Answer

I have lots of traumas, what did I do to deserve this?

Your Question

Hi Alex, I have lots of traumas, I’m being raised in abusive family physically and emotionally abused, I am also being sexually abused by someone known to my family but isn’t family. I don’t want to reach out for help because my situation is this because of being abused at home I have freedom alot I can do what I like because all that will ever happen to me is being abused, and being sexually abused means for me I make money from it(money is for me to not say anything). But the sad part of it all for me is I wish I could die, I want to kill myself, I attempted it before OD age 13 OD age 14, I have support from doctors and a social worker but I don’t want to talk to them I don’t want to tell them but I think they know as my mam has been verbally abusive to social worker. If I was to stay alive those traumas are still there and I won’t want to remember them and others will know and always talk about it. If I die traumas will be gone ill be gone. I did talk to pieta house before but I feel that I am not worth help I am beyond help I deserve to feel all the pain and hurt I suffer so this time when I attempt suicide I will be really dead it will work this time. Until I can get to the place to do it I will keep self harming with a lighter.. I’m typing this here because I‘m also heart broken that what did I do to deserve this? I don’t know what to do anymore.. 

Answer

Hi there,   

Thank you so much for getting in touch with us, You have been so brave to reach out and it sounds like there is a lot going on for you right now.   

We are really concerned for your safety and wellbeing, you have a right and deserve to feel safe and protected and what is happening to you at present is not right. Nobody has the right to abuse you in any way, be it emotional, physical or sexual.  

If you ever feel unsafe at home or anywhere else, you can call the Gardaí on 999 or 112. It is their job to make sure you are safe. Also, Túsla the Child and Family Agency have social workers whose job is also to make sure that young people up to the age of 18 are being cared for in the right environment by the right people. 

We are also concerned that you have attempted suicide and that you have said you want to die; this is not an easy thing to be going through, especially on your own. 

You mention that you have spoken to people before and that you are not worth the help and you don’t know what to do anymore, well we want you to know that you are worth the help and you have a right to get and deserve that help and support.   

Do you have a trusted adult that you feel you could talk to about what’s going on for you? This could be somebody such as an aunt, uncle, grandparent, coach, or youth worker.     

If you’re not yet ready to approach an adult in your life right now we would be more than happy for you to contact our Childline service by phone on 1800 66 66 66, or through our web chat on www.childline.ie. Childline is here for you anytime and we are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  

It is a free and confidential service. We are non-judgemental, and we will not tell you what to do; instead we can help you explore what options may be available to you.    

You can also visit our website, www.childline.ie articles on topics that you may find helpful with some useful guidance and advice to what you have mentioned above:

You can also visit www.rainn.org which is an organisation that seeks to support people who are being sexually abused and www.jigsaw.org for support around your mental health.        

Thank you so much for your question and hope that you find some of the information above useful.     

Look after yourself.   

Alex   

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