I don't like talking about my feelings out loud
This isn’t really a question but I dont like talking about my feelings out loud so I figured I’d come here because.. yeah. Well where do I start? I get bullied in school. Well not really bullied but everyone slags me a lot. I mean it isn’t continuous or the same person again and again but its just while walking in the corridor people would call out faggot and call me all sorts of things. I am so insecure about my body and I’m fairly sure I’m trans. I hate my chest, stomach, hair, face, thighs and practically everything else. I’ve tried dieting and exercising but nothing really works. I hate myself so much I wont lie. My parents are nice enough. I love my dad, he’s always been there for me and he’s probably the only person I really trust with my problems. My mam on the other hand doesn’t really get me and we don’t get along. I have a good few friends but I feel like they all hate me and I think they’re gonna leave me soon. I think I annoy them or something. Even though I’m young I feel like noone will ever actually love me and thats scary. I’m pretty good in school but everyone has such high hopes for me. They always have. I feel like if I fail im disappointing everyone. I want to be a mechanical engineer but I’m not that great in science exams, I mean I’m good in class but I’m rubbish at everything else. I feel like ill never get where I want to be and that scares me most of all. I feel like I’m losing myself and everyone. I dont know what to do.
Thank you so much for getting in contact with us here today, you say you don’t like talking about your feelings out loud, yet you have done so well sharing what life is like for you right now. It sounds like there is such a lot going on for you.
School seems like it is difficult for you, with different people slagging you, which no one has the right to do, and you have the right for school to be a space you feel comfortable and safe in. Does anyone in your life/school know about how you are being treated? You deserve help and support with what is happening there.
It must be really tough having negative thoughts about your body and feeling that you hate yourself too. Lots of things can impact the way we see our body, social media, people in our lives, advertising. Have you ever thought about the qualities you like about yourself and reminding yourself of those? Sometimes it can be very difficult to do that when we’re not used to thinking about ourselves in a positive light. Even just picking out one thing you like about yourself (it doesn’t have to be physical) and building on that. Bodywhys are an organisation that provide support around body image, and their website is here www.bodywhysbodyimage.ie/
You also say that you are pretty sure you are trans, being trans is completely normal but it can be an overwhelming time if you are questioning your gender identity and need support. Here are a couple of websites that may be able to provide you with resources and advice. TENI (Transgender Equality Network Ireland) www.teni.ie and BeLonGTo www.beongto.org, both offer support for LGBTI+ young people in Ireland.
It sounds like your dad is a really positive person in your life, and that you trust him to share things with. Have you been able to talk to him about the things you have mentioned here? You also mention having a good few friends, but feeling like they might leave you. What makes you think that something like that might happen? You said you don’t like talking about your feelings, it can be really hard to be vulnerable with other people and share some of our true feelings. Having trusting relationships and connections is an important aspect of our lives. What do you think it might be like for you to share with one of your friends even a small fragment of how you are feeling right now? There are many articles on the childline website around friendships www.childline.ie/friends/
It’s understandable that you would feel scared of some of the thoughts you’re having, about feeling that no one will love you, and that you will never get where you want to be. It can be really scary thinking about the future and how you will get there, on top of dealing with expectations from other people too. You would like to be a mechanical engineer, that’s amazing, lots of people (including many adults!) have no idea what they would like to do. You say you’re good in class but rubbish at everything else, from reading what you’ve said today it sounds like maybe you could be a bit hard on yourself, would that be fair to say? Being good in class, and in school sounds like you have a good grasp on your subjects but that maybe exams could be a bit more difficult for you. Exams come with a lot of pressure, and they can be really tough to deal with, even if you know the content. What would you think about speaking with a teacher you trust, and seeing if they could help come up with a plan to help you with your exams and to help you feel like you are on the right track? You may find this article helpful too www.childline.ie/11-tips-to-help-you-prepare-for-your-exams/
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling with us; you sound like an incredibly strong person, who is dealing with a number of different things right now, but you are coping with them and trying to figure out what to do. We hope some of what we’ve said is helpful for you, and please know we are always here to listen at Childline. We have an online chat service at www.childline.ie that is available 24/7 (just click on the orange Live Chat button and send ’hello’). Our phone service 1800 66 66 66 is open 24 hours a day too. Both are free and are non-judgmental. We can help you figure out some next steps to take.
Take care of yourself, we hope to hear from you soon.