I don't know if I am faking my mental problem.
I don’t know if I am faking my mental problem. I sometimes experience something like disassociation or something like that. I don’t feel real and it feels kinda like a video game. I don’t know how to describe it, but I only get that like once a month. I thought I had social anxiety (I don’t want to self diagnose, I am just trying to explain myself), because my hands shake when I am at the register in a store and when I am in front of the class or when I am meeting new people. But it’s really irregular, sometimes I am fine doing those things. I think I have suicidal thoughts, but I know I am not going to act on it, so I don’t know if it ‘counts’. I just feel so unsure. Somedays I feel totally normal and other I feel like it’s too much. I don’t know how to ask for help or even talk about it with my mom, because both my mom and my sister have their own issues so I don’t want to put nore on their plate. Sometimes I feel like I am faking it for attention, but I haven’t told anyone, but it feels like I am preparing to tell someone so I am faking it. I don’t know. Lately we’ve been having lots of test in school and I get really obsessive. Like in my head I tell myself. ‘You have to go to sleep exactly at (x) h, otherwise you will fail.’ or ‘You have to write this test with this specific pen or you’ll fail.’ I would tell my mom about these issues, but I feel like she just brushes it off. I told her once about how I get really nervous when I am in public and she told me that I will grow out of it. I feel like she doesn’t really belive in therapy, she’s one of those people who say that when they were young, people were okay and no one had these problems. But I know she doesn’t want me to be unhappy.
Welcome to Ask Pat.
We understand that it’s not always easy to share our worries and concerns, but we also know how important it is to talk about how we are feeling so we are glad you got in contact with us.
Feelings of anxiety and depression work on a spectrum. As you said, there will be days when we feel good and other days when our emotions and thoughts can feel very overwhelming. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. Your feelings are valid. Just because you haven’t verbalised what you are going through and just because you are having trouble understanding what you are experiencing does not mean that your feelings are not real. You have taken the first steps by reaching out to us today and that’s very brave of you.
We are concerned that you have suicidal thoughts and while you say that you do not plan to act on these thoughts, it’s very important that you discuss what you are experiencing with a trusted adult in your life, maybe a parent, older sibling or cousin, an aunt/ uncle, teacher, or coach. You mentioned that your mom and sister have some issues of their own. It is considerate of you to not want to add to their load but chances are, they would rather know about your struggles and try support you than have you face things on your own. It is important for your mental well-being that you get the help and support that you deserve. Have you thought about talking to your GP? You do have the right to medical advice and to seek support from a counsellor.
There are organisations that can support you such as Jigsaw (www.jigsaw.ie). This website may help you understand what is going on for you or you may find a way to avail of their other support services. The Childline website has a section of helpful articles at https://www.childline.ie/helpful-articles/. This article on asking for help may be useful: https://www.childline.ie/not-sure-how-to-ask-for-help-heres-what -to-do/. If you feel like you are ever in immediate danger, you can ring the Emergency Services on 999 or 112 and they will keep you safe from harm. These calls are free from any mobile or landline.
Remember, you can always phone Childline on 1800 66 66 66 to talk about what is going on for you. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Our text service 50101 and Web Chat service through www.childline.ie are also available daily. While we do not tell you what to do, we are here to listen and support you, and to help you to explore the options that are available to you in your life. We are here to help you in a way that suits you.
We hope that you find this information helpful, and that you can get some support soon.