Alex's Answer

Hi there, 

Thank you for getting in touch with us here at Ask Alex. 

It sounds like you have a strong connection with your girlfriend, and you are really happy to be in a relationship with her, but that it also feels like a friendship to you and you would like to be more intimate. You are not sure how she is feeling about your relationship and you are wondering how to talk to her about it. This could be a conversation you might feel awkward about, especially if you feel like your needs aren’t being met but it is very positive you want to be open with how you are feeling. It is absolutely normal having to have this conversation in a relationship, as each person can have different needs. 

Taking some time to think about when the best time and place to have this conversation could be a good place to start. You would know best when a good time could be to speak to your girlfriend, when there are no distractions or other people around and in a place that is comfortable for you both. Maybe letting your girlfriend know that you would like to talk about your relationship could be an option, so that she is not caught off guard if not expecting it. You could reassure her that it is not because anything is wrong, but that you have been thinking about your relationship and how you could make it better. 

When you sit down to have the conversation, perhaps you could start by telling her the things you like about your relationship and ask what she likes too. It sounds like intimacy is what you would like to talk with her about, and intimacy can mean different things to different people. It can refer to having a close relationship with someone, having quality time together, sharing personal things, or having physical intimacy. Maybe you could explain what being intimate means for you and ask your girlfriend what her idea of being intimate is. 

Try to listen to what your girlfriend is saying when she is talking about her point of view, and her feelings on what you have brought up. You may feel this could be an uncomfortable or awkward conversation, but equally it is so important to be open and honest with each other so that you can continue to build on the strong relationship you have. Respect is also very important in positive relationships. 

Once you have an idea of what intimacy means to you both, you can talk about what you might like to be different in your relationship, and how you can work on that together. Being intimate can take time to build, as you share your feelings and experiences with each other and spend quality time together. It is important to know what your partner is and is not comfortable with, and for them to know the same about you to make sure that each other’s boundaries are respected. 

Before deciding on whether to take your relationship to the next level, having a read of this article may prove beneficial for you both b4udecide.ie/relationships/ . 

We hope some of what we have said is helpful for you, it sounds like you really care about your girlfriend and want to make your relationship even better. We are always here at Childline, online at www.childline.ie (just click on the orange Live Chat tab) or via phone (1800 66 66 66) if you ever wanted to talk some more about what’s going on for you. It is a free, confidential and non-judgmental service open 24 hours a day, every day.  

Best wishes, take care of yourself, 

Alex